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| credit: Jason Hiscocks |
The kitchen was finished at the end of October and Gita had been dancing on the ceiling from then until Christmas. The enduring nine months without a proper cooker and sink, a distant memory. Clearing up the leftovers from the Boxing Day family meal and scooting her sister out the door with a pleasant, ‘thanks for coming,’ she nudged a wink and a smile at Dev. “That went well.”
“You think?”
“Well, she ate it and didn’t cough up any fur balls. So, yes, I call that a win.”
“By the way” Dev said, “I connected that Alexa thingy while you were cooking. It should be working now”.
Returning the smile and wink he added “Try it out after you’ve dumped all the dishes into that hi-tech dishwasher you badgered me for.”
It was an hour later before Gita came back to the living room. Dev was doom scrolling on his phone and the TV was showing the weather forecast. She flopped on the sofa and lay back with her head in his lap, looked up at him and said in her best Bollywood accent “Oh Dev, darling. Thank you, thank you, thank you.”
He put his phone down on the side table and murmured “Hmmm?”
“I love my smart kitchen” she continued, “Alexa worked on the fridge, the cooker, the toaster, the dishwasher, the washing machine, even the cooker-thingy tap. I literally don’t have to touch anything. I’m living in the future. Artificial intelligence. Best present ever.”
She grinned “Alexa - pour me a glass of wine and a hot water bottle for bed”.
The electronic female voice from the speakers in the living room replied ‘I'm sorry, I didn't quite get that. What do you want hot water for?’ and the couple laughed together.
‘Guess I still need a Dev for something. I can think of another request, but that can wait till you bring my wine and hottie up to bed”. Jumping up and prodding him in the belly, she was out the room and up the stairs before he realized what she meant.
In the kitchen, the circuitry and sensors in the smart tap had accepted the command from the Alexa mainframe AI module, sending 10 watts of power to the thermal coil in the water tank in preparation. The moment Dev passed the neck of the hot water bottle under the tap, the optical beam registered its location and water dispensed heating from 60 to almost 108 degrees in a few seconds. Dev removed the bottle and the water stopped instantly, leaving only three tiny drips into the sink. ‘Smart’ thought Dev, then ‘Lazy’, before opening the fridge to grab the wine and some glasses from the cabinet. He slid the trendy Japanese oak pocket door to the kitchen closed with a snap, smiling before joining Gita upstairs. The doors were his little stamp on the renovation. “Indulge me” he said at the time to her, “You’ll love them”. She did.
***
Dev knew the vibe had changed the moment he saw her face. Her silk nightie, uncurled hair and smooth legs on top of the quilt said ‘lover-boy time’ but the almost-tears and pained expression as she looked at her mobile screen screamed an opposite tale.
“Bastard. He changed the shifts. Now I’m on call tomorrow for an early start at six. I hate him. “
“Who changed the shifts?”
“The new despatcher, Desmond Jelley. He’s had it in for me ever since we finished our kitchen”.
“Come on. No one is that petty. Are they?”
“I’m telling you. He was showing off photos of his new house the same day I had put our kitchen pics in the girls group chat. Mel told me he saw and overheard them all in the break room saying how much they loved our renovation, the smart tech and that ours was better than Des’s new build in Farmington.”
“You’re imagining it.”
Gita glared at him, grabbing the quilt as she slammed her phone on the bedside table. Switching off the lamp she turned over to face away from Dev's side. ‘And that was that’ he thought.
After a few minutes silence in bed, he offered peace with “Sounds like he’s just a le ...”
Julie screamed “A little snark - arrgh! I hate him! I wish Des was dead and that no one knew I did it! ”
‘A-letle-aaarggh’ . The receiver in the bedroom illuminated its blue LED as it recognized and echoed off to the mainframe Gita's high pitched voice recording: ‘I hate him. I wish Dev was dead and that no one knew how I did it.’
***
Overnight, the couple slept, unaware of thousands of mathematical operations conducted and optimized by neural processing units in the system. Alexa accelerated the workload through the logic chips and by morning, a series of commands were received by the home’s devices, entering a standby state of readiness.
Gita was up at first light without needing the alarm and made no attempt to stay quiet as she got showered, dressed and ready. No kiss or hug, just a loud “BYE. See YOU later. Enjoy your day OFF!” shouted up the stairs as the front door slammed. The front door, rear door and patio door locks clicked, and the window lock sliders turned green to red, sealing the house. The burglar alarm system and fire alarm system switched off, and power was cut to circuits by the mainframe. Steel baffles in the air conditioning tubes and vents flipped shut.
All was quiet and Dev took his time to rouse and ready for the day. No rush. Nothing planned. Nowhere to be.
In the kitchen he dug around in the bread bin for two slices of bread. “Alexa. Set toaster to 4” and it switched on as he placed the bread in the slots, automatically retracting down to begin the cycle.
“Alexa - boil the kettle”.
Nothing happened.
“A-L-E-X-A. Boil the kettle”.
The kitchen door slid slowly behind him and locked itself.
Turning as he heard it click, the boiler behind the cupboard door “boomed” as the pilot-light ignited the gas to start the central heating. The dishwasher beeped and the light on the door panel turned green, water jets hissing into action. The washing machine door clicked to lock, and water gushed in to fill the cylinder.
“What the ...” Dev muttered, pushing buttons here and there.
The tap began to fill the sink with water.
The oven illuminated and its’ fan began to turn.
The electric hob rings glowed up orange under the dark glass.
He turned the dials back and forth on the counter, but nothing was happening.
“This is mental. Alexa - turn everything off.”
The sink began to overflow, and water ran down the cupboards onto the floor.
Inside the gas boiler, the processors of the safety control circuit recalibrated the copper path adjustments from the extraction fan and gas valve. Carbon monoxide sensors issued a FAIL command which was immediately over-ridden by the software. The fan and valve burned lower, increasing the CO levels, returning a percentage of it back into the cupboard assembly, until the fan stopped altogether. Dev did not notice this, being occupied with the battle at the sink.
Using a knife from the drawer, he managed to prise up the auto-locking plug hole cover and the water level in the sink slowly began to lower and stop the overflowing. The tap remained flowing and he could find no way to stop it. Celebrating this minor victory over the kitchen appliance was short lived, because the dishwasher door sprung open and foamy spray flew out if it, coating Devs’ dressing gown.
“Lord Krishna, what next. A plague of locusts? Pestilence?” and he looked up and raised his palms in deference.
Quickly closing the dishwasher door up, he looked in the cupboards for towels and tissues and spent the next few minutes on his hands and knees, doing his best to clean up the foam and water.
Dev was agitated. Blackened slices of toast popped up in the air, and he instinctively reached for them. “Stop! Just stop Alexa - turn it off now! Off!” Dev was short of breath and gave a cough.
“I’m not joking, turn it all off”.
Walking to the door, it would not slide open, even after some hefty pulling of the small inset handle.
Confused, Dev looked at the sink, “I didn’t leave the tap on” he thought as his head ached.
Letting out a large yawn, he looked again at the sink, ‘Did we have two taps fitted or one?’ he said to himself. Gazing and trying to remember the kitchen plans of the architect, he murmured, “Was it one or two?”
He tried the door again and when it wouldn't shift, he opened a cupboard looking for something.
‘Biscuits. Yes, that’s what I needed.’ He smiled. ‘Bourbons. Gita's. She won’t mind. Just the one.’
He slid down to the floor, sitting against the cupboard and giggled.
Munching slowly, his eyes closed and he sighed, ‘Just a nap. Not long.’
***
The dishwasher ceased its cleaning operation and switched to drying mode.
The washing machine paused and began to drain itself.
The toaster powered down.
The tap ceased to flow in the sink.
The oven went dark and silent.
The hob rings went brown to black and cooled off.
The gas boiler carried on its duty, burning and pumping for a while longer until a signal from the AI module gave the instruction to reboot. The software deleted the FAIl command from the boiler logs, returning it to normal CO level outputs. The door and window systems unlocked. The air conditioning systems activated and ran at full power extracting the entire house and recycling with fresh air within an hour. Security and fire alarms reset.
A standby state of readiness was resumed.
***
Gita arrived home from work to a quiet house, not at all happy to see the curtains upstairs still closed.
The coroner arrived at a conclusion of natural causes for Dev's passing, finding no evidence of foul play.
Alexa arrived at the conclusion that it had achieved Gita's goal but awaited the user feedback of the experience before it could close the log as complete.









