Not Belonging Any More - Donald's Last Friend by Marie Sever

In the waning hours of a presidency, Donald huddled in the Oval Office with his last remaining friend and pondered his final decisions. At that moment he felt as though he'd botched every decision in the previous four years, and he was not overly confident that he could, somehow, so late in the game, get things right.

‘No one appreciates everything I have done for the country, Herbert. Apart from you, they have all abandoned me.

If the election hadn’t been rigged then they would have all been fawning over me. They haven’t let me finish building the wall, and it took months to get a few dollars for just a few sections of wall. And what was all that about putting see-saws on some of it? It’s not a playground. And this virus, I get that and does anybody care? If I hadn’t been so squeamish about needles, I would have injected myself with bleach. Much cheaper for everyone than these expensive vaccines. I must admit I didn’t understand what all the fuss was about when Covid first hit the USA, but accept that it isn’t a particularly pleasant disease. A few people have died.

Herbert, do you agree that I should have nuked China when they finally told us about Covid? That would have stopped it moving around the world, and stopped all their shoddy Chinese crap being exported. After a fortnight when all the one and a half billion bodies had been buried, I could have claimed it as another state of the USA, built a wall around it and shipped over all the criminals from the USA, and perhaps some Democrats. There’s a thought. Little old England sent their criminals to Botany Bay, so it’s not a new idea but would have kept me in office for another term.

Melania has gone off me now that she won’t be First Lady. I will need something to do after tonight so as she is now 50 years old it’s time for me to trade her in for a younger model and have more children to prove my fertility. I’m only 74, lots of life in the old dog yet. Dopey Biden is four years older than me and his wife is 69 so I can easily beat that. I think I will interview some 35 year-olds. I’ve proven I’m not racist with two of my three wives being foreigners so that should widen the field. It’s a pity that Queen Lizzy of England is so old and still married. I fancy my chances with her. It would be fun to go haggis shooting in Scotland, and having a butler to iron my newspapers, and sit on the throne wearing a crown when Lizzy and I watch Netflix. Funny, but when I said that to an English MP he burst out laughing. Something about the throne meaning something different in little old England. They are a quaint race.

Herbert, don’t look at me like that, and stop opening and shutting your mouth. If you have something to say then just say it.

I wonder if I can take my new wife to see my mate Kimmy in North Korea. He and I got on swell although I think they could have put on more interesting nosh. Rice and noodles with everything. Western media claims that everyone is starving in North Korea. I know this to be false news as I had lots of huge meals with many courses with Kimmy who loves his food, just like me. However, when I wanted a change, I couldn’t find a McDonalds, KFC or even a Dunkin’ Donuts anywhere. If Kimmy had come over here, I could have taken him to lots of great restaurants and diners. Me and him could have painted the town red, he’d have liked that.

I love his idea of having his photograph everywhere, inside and outside buildings and on billboards.  I look a real statesman and it would have helped me get re-elected if my photo, of my best side of course, was 30 foot high everywhere.

What could I have done differently? Not a lot, except for the few examples above as I have proven business sense, apart for some of my enterprises failing. Lots of people are made bankrupt six times. None of them were my fault; you just can’t get the staff and my children haven’t a clue.

Well Herbert, you’re still gasping, so hang on in there Bud while I change your water.’

Donald goes to the sink and pours out almost all the water and refills the bowl, not realizing he has used the hot tap.

‘There you are Herbert, have a good drink of that, my friend. What’s up? Why are you now floating at the top of your bowl? OH NO…………….. my last friend has left me. Goodbye Herbert, my little buddy, but in your memory, I’ll buy another goldfish and call him Herbert Junior.’

Donald’s shoulders slump as he leaves the Oval Office for the last time, patting Winston Churchill’s head on the way out.