Trashing the Plastic Trash! by Jennie Hart

Poseidon, God of all oceans, is fuming; ‘What unpleasant habits these humans have! Carrier bags! Takeaway trays! Plastic bottles! My morning swim is ruined by their insidious plastic, they have contaminated my gloriously beautiful kingdoms!’

It is the twenty first century and Poseidon is at his wit’s end; he adores his oceans, but now, each one is a nightmare. Today he spreads his enormous torso in the gentle waters of the Aegean. His magnificent black beard ebbs and flows like floppy seaweed around the waters of the Sporades, his colossal kingly feet trail over the Dodecanese and his regal left hand stretches to Lesbos. He is being cosseted by Starlight, his favourite starfish who is currently directing her loyal workers to cleanse Poseidon’s facial hair, of plastic lids and bottle tops, sticky labels and bag ties. Each starfish uses its ingeniously designed arms to suck out the nasty discarded trash lurking there.

Starfish arms could be described as legs, because the suckers studding their limbs are tiny tube ‘feet’, with thousands of suction cups for feeding and moving. They can use them to prise open clams, or, to cleanse a God’s beard.  Such useful appendages!

Poseidon’s beard fills the Aegean and every hair is now pristine. He feels fresh all over, and expands his gargantuan chest and remembers the event that has enthused him: the British General Election.

‘Pretty little Starlight! Listen to this,’ he says ‘The British Cons have gone. What do you make of that?’

‘Cons, my Lord Poseidon? What are they? Are they tricksters?’

‘They were, dearest Starlight, but no longer! Their time has passed and Labour now rules!’

‘Labour, my Lord? What is that? Is it human? Is it a hard worker?’

‘Labour is collectively human; there are many of them. Hard workers,? Mostly, yes! I have heard they will rid my oceans of plastic. But how? I have no idea.’

‘I have heard of nano-plastics, honoured master, they threaten our existence. They are clogging up our suckers and, probably your worshipful’s brain.’

‘You are well-informed precious Starlight; disastrous news comes from the human world. I learn invisible nano-plastics, with names like acrylic and nylon, surge into my oceans from their polluted rivers. It can’t go on!’

Poseidon’s thoughts return to the British Isles and the newly appointed God, Sir Keir Starmer who has promised to clean the seas. Not for centuries has Poseidon visited the British North Sea because it is far away and perishingly cold.

‘I did go once, Starlight,’ he says, ‘To the Bay of Bridlington and I shall never forget it. There, they did not eat fish live from the ocean, they ate dead fish in batter. With chips! I saw beautiful women in ‘Kiss Me Quick hats! I caused a storm in protest!  Poseidon, God of the Oceans, knows a kiss should never be quick. I longed to give those silly girls a slow kiss, and for once, I had wished I were human.’

Poseidon does not quite comprehend Labour, but worships the new British leader, a dedicated labourer. Had not Sir Keir’s father also worked with his hands? Poseidon is a labourer too, and when he is not ruling his oceans, he is working hard at making storms, causing earthquakes and revenging his enemies. Tonight he cannot sleep; he has no solution to the plastic problem and decides to gather his fellow-gods and loyal ocean subjects for a brainstorming session.

Only a dribble of gods arrive. Hermes, God of Science comes. ‘A waste of space!’  thinks Poseidon, but changes his mind when Hermes brings important information. He tells of bacteria who have enzymes that break down plastic, then the bacteria eat the leftovers!’

‘Ingenious’ says Poseidon, ‘Let’s get the ball rolling!’

Pan, God of Nature comes too; the father of Hermes.

‘Welcome father, how are you?’ greets Hermes

‘Older and wiser than you dear boy,’ says Pan, ‘I know much about this pollution.’

Thousands of ocean dwellers gather, desperate to find a solution, but create such massive vibrations that gigantic waves wash onto the Aegean shores terrifying the inhabitants and almost causing a tsunami. Poseidon tells them of the great god Sir Keir Starmer who is going to clean the oceans.

Then the great Pan spoke:

‘We gods are shape-shifters and often wander amongst humans. I have recently taken the form of a lab-technician and visited prestigious laboratories, even participating in experiments. I have learned of super worms and waxworms and of those miraculous bacteria that eat plastic bottles as rapidly as they are manufactured.’

‘Excellent news father! Well done!’ shouts Hermes sarcastically.

‘Let us all rest and ponder on these revelations,’ said Poseidon, ‘We will meet again at dawn to seek a way forward. Goodnight my subjects, and my colleagues.’

Poseidon thrashes around all night, making enormous undulations in the sea. Just before dawn, Zeus, God of the Skies and Hephaestus, God of Fire arrive and Hephaestus pleads to be allowed to burn the plastic, but Zeus condemns the idea.

‘Never!’ roars Zeus, ‘Imagine the dirty chemicals that would fill my skies and seep into my brother’s oceans’

‘Indeed!’ bellows Poseidon, ‘My oceans are already toxic. I say no to burning and yes to plastic being eaten by the bacteria Pan and Hermes speak of.’

Before dawn Poseidon invites Pan and Hermes to tell him more.

‘I have a cunning project in mind’ Poseidon says. ‘We gods, with the help of my subjects, will create ocean nurseries where these invisible animals can breed; but first, tell me more.’

‘Dear uncle,’ said Hermes, ‘These bacteria eat a plastic called PET, an unpleasant product made into plastic bottles that has never before been broken down. It was found in Japan in a plastic bottle factory. Its name is a strange one my Lord, it is not the sort of pet I think of!’

‘What is it called Hermes? Don’t mess about!’

‘Japanese scientists call it Idionella sakaiensis, and as Japan is your go-to place to drink sake, I know you will have no trouble remembering its name!’

‘I know of it too,’ chipped in Pan, ‘It grows in warm waters at great speed and some laboratories now offer it for sale.’

Other gods arrive at dawn along with the ocean dwellers and Poseidon tells them of the remarkable Japanese Sake Bacteria that can eat plastic.

‘In appreciation of your enthusiasm,’ he says. ‘I shall brew enough sake today for us to drink merrily while we boogie the night awayt!’

The gods and ocean-life laugh enthusiastically

‘We are planning to buy Sake Bacteria from a laboratory and create a Sake Bacteria nursery in my beautiful Aegean waters.’

The whole assembly cheered and danced ecstatically, as all were tired of the plastic pollution.

‘Calm down my children and pay heed,’ says Poseidon, ‘God Pan has a computer and will ask the new God, Sir Keir Starmer and his new Science Minister, to sell Sake Bacteria to us from their government laboratories. When Sake Bacteria has eaten all the PET plastic in the Aegean, we shall set about cleaning my other oceans.’

‘Bravo!’ shout the excited throng, stirred by Poseidon’s plans, but thrilled to be carousing on sake.

‘A toast to the Great God Keir,’ says Zeus, ‘He is a warrior like Poseidon’

‘Well done, my loyal friends!’ shouts Poseidon, ‘Let us trash the plastic trash! But first of all, Let us party!’

plastic washed up on a Welsh beach