Hoods and Bots: Part Seventeen by Irena Szirtes

credit: Canva/Irena Szirtes

 High Tarn  was the most beautiful place I’d ever seen. I spent hours just looking across the valley toward the Howgills while my cracked ribs, broken bone and bruised emotions began to heal. Roland found me walking, drinking in the view the next day, Gyp at his heels.

“I meant to say... sorry last night,”  he said. 

“Sorry? Why? You saved my life.”

I didn’t tell him guilt plagued me, guilt about the guard,  illogical guilt about Victor, guilt because Victor died, so I could live. 

“For all I... put you through. There was no choice but to...  play along.  He is – was - an expert in combat, younger than me. That why I had to look for...  opportunity,  use his... weakness.”

“I understand that now.  Roland, do you ever feel – I mean, do you feel bad about –  killing people, especially when they can’t defend themselves?”

“You mean you feel bad... about Victor?”

“I don’t  know how you worked that one out. I suppose so. I know I’m being unreasonable, but...”

He reached for Victor’s  phone, and showed me the catalogue of information, the location and nature of many underground  bases. 

“I killed Victor to save thousands of lives, not just... yours. If I hadn’t killed him, it was just a matter...  of time.  Parry would have known the locations... Resistance would have been... overwhelmed.”

Suddenly I felt small, ashamed of seeing events through my own narrow lens.   “It’s about so much more than me, isn’t  it?”

He nodded. “Yet killing someone does...  change your world. Sometimes you’re out of options. You’re the one that’s there,  and...  like it or not, it’s down...  to  you. But things can go wrong. You can lose your... conscience, like-”  he suddenly  looked away. “I mean, like Victor.” 

 I sensed that conversation was over, and took the opportunity to ask about his real mother,  Ellen Pargeter.

 He stopped walking. Gyp stopped, so I stopped too. 

“She shortened the war, didn’t she? Must have been one hell of a lady.  What was it like, having a Resistance heroine for a mother?” 

He remained still a moment longer, then we resumed our walk.

“Mia, what will you feel when...  your mother dies?”

“What? Well, I can’t imagine.  Grief, regret, unbearable  pain, the feeling it was too soon  – all of it, I guess. It’s something  I’ve never – I  don’t even want to think about.” 

“You want to know what I felt? Relief. Overwhelming Relief. Relief she was... finally gone...  relief she didn’t have power to hurt... me, or anyone else... ever again.”

“You mean...”

“I’m not talking about... her war record. That means nothing... to a child.  You asked about killing, well, there was one killing...  I welcomed,  the killing of Jason Pargeter, the killing of...  Mars. I feared him more than I ever feared... Benson Parry. Jason proved to be...  Ellen’s  child, in more ways than one. I wanted him dead...   gone for ever -  like her.”

It took me a while to answer. “But why were you so afraid  of him – you said you wanted to be him, the Spymaster, the double agent?”

“If I tell you, you’ll...  hate me again.  It’s  why they... why Frank confirmed  they should...  pull me out.”

“ Frank? He knew you when... “

“Yes, when I was Bot. He was one of... my contacts. I often passed information to him.”

“You mean, Frank is – I mean, he’s not just a civil engineer?”

“Far from it. But he should tell you... himself. He knows the worst... about me. He was... non-judgmental, had his reasons to understand... a little.  But you – still full of ideals - sheltered till now, despite being... Hood - you’ll   hate me.”

“Maybe I can’t hate you anymore. Don’t forget I’m here because you saved my life.”

  “Yes. But I don’t  want to risk losing my only...  female friend.”

My eyes filled with hot tears of shame, and I looked away for a moment. 

“Friend? God help you Roland, if I’m a female friend, I hope I never meet your female enemies!” 

“God help me... indeed. My mother, if you can... call her that, was enough female enemy for... a lifetime, and beyond.”